ARE WE CATHECTING OR ARE WE LOVING?
According to bell hooks in her book All About Love: New Visions (more info on this on the Book Club page), "affection is only one ingredient of love. To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients--care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication... When we feel deeply drawn to someone, we cathect them; that is, we invest feelings or emotion in them. That process of investment wherein a loved one becomes important to us is called "cathexis"."
Off the bat, bell hooks puts it right in our face that as humans, we have tendencies to cathect others by mistakingly assuming it means we love them. She continues, "we all know how often individuals feeling connected to someone through the process of cathecting insist that they love the other person even if they are hurting or neglecting them. Since their feeling is that of cathexis, they insist that what they feel is love."
So my question to you, my readers, is this... are we cathecting or are we loving?
If you check out my previous post for the goal of my blog, I give a defintion of love as being conducive to mutually nurturing one another's spiritual growth. This definition is also applicable to loving the self. If you are committed to spirtually nourishing your own self for the better, you are literally loving yourself. I do appreciate a simply defined word that is easy to digest.
This website would be purposeless if I didn't give personal accounts from my own life. So for the remainder of this post I'll explain why it is important for me to give love freely. By giving love freely, as opposed to cathecting others, life is a whole lot happier, significantly less painful, full of trustworthy people in my inner circle, and rarely ever stifled by fear. Face it, nothing about loving EVERYBODY you meet is cowardly. It is one of the bravest things you can ever do when you put to use this fine list of ingredients that bell hooks has given us for how to truly love. So here are all the reasons why I love freely and avoid cathecting.
I give love freely because it feels better than hoarding love to myself and resenting others for not reciprocating what I never even gave them. As a leader, and a self-respecting individual, I don't mind laying the framework for how I expect others to treat me. It's a very simple concept. If I show them how I treat myself and they are incapable of reciprocating, rather than hurting myself in the process of trying to make them understand, I just move on. Dignity still fully in tact, not an ounce of resentment in sight, and 10,000 headaches avoided. #winning.
I give love freely because I do not live my life fearing the consequences of costly or risky decisions. Either someone will be open to who I am, or they won't. Regardless, that isn't my problem. I get to be who I want to be without being heavily concerned or wrapped up in final outcomes. I try not to live life being too focused on the end goals. Miley Cyrus made this point crystal clear in The Climb (2009). It's not about how fast I get anywhere and it's not about what is waiting on the other side. What matters is the climb... What matters is the journey that is taken when I honor living the life that I genuinely want to live. For me, I just want to be at peace around anybody I encounter. I want others to feel like they can be happy around me too. To keep things simple and lighthearted, I put love first.
I give love freely because it is an honest thing to do. When I truly do things out of love, I have no ulterior motives to manipulate others. I genuinely care about their wellbeing and would never want to intentionally get petty and do things to make them feel trapped or backed up against a wall. Love is not about having power and control over people who I truly care about and respect.
If I am always loving because I want to be, and because no one had to shower me in affection and attention to bring it out of me, nobody at all is suspicious about my loving ways. They expect that its just who I naturally am.
If I was a grouchy bitch 24/7, then one day decided to be nice, who would take me seriously? Not very many people. Most people would think the nice, caring, attentive, affectionate person was a facade and a very poor attempt at winning the favor of others. Have you ever had a co-worker who was a complete bitch to everybody beneath them, but was a sweetheart and a major kiss-ass to the boss? Then one day they get a promotion and the people who are beneath them don't even respect them as their leader, so the morale of the work place is seriously reduced, all because this person never saw it fit to be nice? I know I've seen this happen MANY times, in various jobs I've held! The point is, when I love freely, regardless of my job title or any other social status I hold, people's first impression of me is always good. A first impression of someone as being loving is powerful in its own way and it is certainly unforgettable for all the right reasons.
I give love freely because that is just who I am. I like being me. I like when other people are themselves. I like being nice. I am growing to appreciate being a humble servant to others. I like having awesome, open, guilt-free frienships with people. And all of this is possible because I choose to love freely and fearlessly, never minding too much what other people's reactions to my kind ways will be. This is all self-acceptance and acceptance of others at its core. Loving freely means acting upon my beliefs about acceptance for all human beings.
Moving along.
More specific to issues I had with trusting people in my past, after reading bell hooks' book, I was able to make a clear distinction between how detrimental my ignorance of cathecting vs loving was for me. I honestly believed that games and manipulation were necessary. I actually thought that I had to test people in vigorous and oftentimes cruel ways before knowing I could love them. I'm glad that my 22 year old self sees this as a waste of time, energy, and life.
In my life, I hate having to go to extreme measures to prove my worth to others. If anything, that is the biggest turn off for me.
(This is probably why I hate applying for jobs but thank God I always find one anyway!)
I think I am awesome and if people can't see it, I really do not care. First impressions matter a lot to me. Though they aren't the most accurate picture of what I'll get, they let me know A LOT about a person's character, mentality, values, and their capacity for love. If someone rubs me the wrong way the first time I ever meet them, I will probably never consider a long term friendship with them. That's just me. We can be associates of some sort, but I definitely do not want them in my inner circle. As someone who works with children in private settings, it is extremely important for parents to see that they can trust me with their most prized possessions. This is all based on their first impression of me. If I, as a parent, had doubts the first time I met someone who was supposed to be watching my kids, as an intuitive woman, I would never want to see them again. No hard feelings, but if trustworthiness is not something that they could display within a first impression, I would not want anything to do with them. Period.
But back to this twisted concept I had about testing people through time-consuming games.
I was rarely ever immediately open-hearted. I made it a challenge to be considered trustworthy. Yet I expected other people to trust me while I was putting them through Olympic games of winning Jenn's heart. Current me looked back at old me like, "How do you know people weren't there for the challenge as opposed to the actual end goal: your genuine friendship built on trust?".
In dating, I knew that guys liked challenges but I had a hard time understanding why. As a woman, I don't think like that. And as a woman, I don't want to try to think like that. I just want to be me, happily and genuinely. So I no longer give a fuck about challenging guys and being deceitful, deceptive, and having dozens of tricks up my sleeve.
I would rather have surprises of loving gestures up my sleeve. At the end of the day I am happy, and hey, somebody gets a gift straight from my heart just because I felt like giving it. Life is stress free and I don't have to worry about some annoying ass guy who only knows how to get a girl by playing along with pointless games that get both people NOWHERE except for an express trip to frustration, confusion, lying, and pretending.
People know where they want to be and no one needs to force them or manipulate them to be there. So I don't ponder playing games or finding ways to put guys into traps. I do whatever the hell I feel like doing, and if that means giving people loads of niceness, care, recognition, respect, and trust... well then that is just what the they will be getting. And I don't need to be "rewarded" by their extraneous effort to reciprocate anything. I appreciate that people give me what they want to give me freely. If it's wack, I just say no thank you (A lady should always know how to politely and respectfully decline). But if its pleasant, well then we just negotiated ourselves into a friendship. :)
So, about me not expecting anything grandiose in return.
I've never been innately concerned with having too much attention on me. Okay, my mom would probably say otherwise. But there are just short periods of time where I need people to focus on me for a few minutes or hours at a time. I'll be screamingly loudly in my head, like I always do, saying, "I AM TALKING TO YOU AND I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL LIKE YOU AREN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO ME!".
And there are times where I am like, "WOW. WOW. WOW. OMG. PLEASE STOP TALKING. RIGHT NOW. I AM READING A BOOK. OMG, YOU ARE SO LOUD. STOP. JUST GO AWAY. I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU. GOODBYE!".
Both are normal character traits for me. I like my alone time more than I like talking to others. I am a healthy balance of an introverted-extrovert! But, I say that to say this. I do not like when other people think they have control over my own emotions, or the extent to which I am capable of caring about them. I wasn't raised to equate getting gifts, money, and attention as showing how much you love someone. Those are nice gestures, but they are not measures of love. The age-old saying goes, you cannot buy love! Love comes from time invested in forming genuine bonds with people. Love is listening to someone ramble on and on about a topic you're not that into, because it matters that much to them. And even though you don't care much about it, you're down to ask them more. You're even down to try doing it with them, because you want to show respect, recognition, and care for their life interests.
Anyway, I think that when you make people prove something months or years before you can trust them, the person seems more motivated to get close to someone by playing mental games. The challenge itself isn't you. The challenge is the game itself. I remember watching Crimson Tide starring Denzel Washington with my dad and Denzel's character, Navy Officer Lieutenenant Commander Ron Hunter, said something that stuck with me: "Yes, the purpose of war is to serve a political end, but the true nature of war is to serve itself.” Historically speaking, since men are usually the purporters of war-like, challenge-seeking viewpoints its no wonder why they love a good chase! Some stick around after the chase. But many don't.
Once the games stop, how do you know if the person will still be interested? Are you committed to a lifetime of playing games and manipulating others? If so, keep it up! If that strategy works for you then I am not knocking you at all. It is not my intention to compare lifestyles. I just want to shed light on the non-conventional life approaches that work for me.
Of course I don't just blindly trust everyone. I'm a wise girl. I am not naïve about discerning who to trust and who to avoid. But, I am open-hearted because I choose to be, and I expect others around me to be so. It is way easier for me to weed out people who are faking the funk about knowing how to love, from the beginning, when I myself show how loving I am.
If I kept playing games, telling lies, and manipulating others into unfair situations, how can I honestly say that I could trust that person? How could I trust them when everything I ever gave them was built on lies and deceptions? I wouldn't trust them at all! I would be disgusted with myself for being such a fake. Subconsciously, I wouldn't want anything to do with that person anymore because they believed all my lies and I probably believed all of theirs, too. Its a spiritually daunting place to be and I don't want to be spiritually daunted. I want to be spiritually fearless and happy! So yea, games are a thing of the past for me. Everybody I meet is getting love. That's it.
Oftentimes people get closed off from life because they're tired of it not going their way. I feel like this comes from a severe lack of acceptance. When you move with love, you have zero concern for controlling others or the outcomes of life. Going with the flow is something I used to be strongly aversed to. By definition, this made me rigid, inflexible, and hard to please. Basically, I had the perfect mix of character traits to be an awful person with whom others could never build instant rapport. I was a little self-centered and uninterested in doing for others until they did for me, exactly the way I wanted it to be done. Thank god for personality development!!! When I became flexible and open-minded, life changed for the better. I weeded out the most irrelevant people in my life (or they just disappeared on their own). I gained some of the most amazing people in my life that I will ever meet! I can honestly say I know people of all walks of life and I have amazing connections in my network. Because I choose to love, I am THAT person with all the cool unique friends with awesome jobs, awesome life stories, and even greater life experiences. I have zero intentions of ever being closed off, opaque, and rigid ever again.
Anyway, I really want to know. Are you cathecting people or are you loving them?
If you think you'll only be able to be open with one person in your entire life, you put an astronomical, unhealthy, super irrational amount of trust in them. That is cathecting. You care more about the feeling or emotion that comes with showing or receiving affection. You place no emphasis on giving good things freely that allow you to spiritually nurture yourself and others at the same time. Cathecting is so selfish. It's really involved with only satisfying the ego, or the flesh... Not your spirit--the one place that matters most to us humans. Are you feeling hurt or neglected, or causing others to feel that way even though you think you love them? That is cathecting. To nurture means you cannot hurt a person. To show care, respect, and recognition means you cannot neglect a person.
So if you only open up to one person, this means trouble. It doesn't have to be a spouse. It could be a friend, a family member, a teacher. Any one person who matters the most to you. This is troublesome becasue, what if that person dies? What if they don't want to be your friend anymore because you act like more of a leech than an individual with their own sources of joy and peace? Leeches are not friends. They will become your worst enemies. Trust. That one person will never be perfect but because you cathect them with such irrationally based beliefs, you will always hold them up on that pedestal. On the flip side, if this is the ONE person who YOU are choosing to finally trust, then when they mess up, your ego will be BRUISED!!!! You'll be thinking, "how dare they mess up when they had a chance with THIS -points to self-?! I was so open with them? I can't believe they did this to me!!" (Come on, we all know the people on Instagram who are so full of vanity that they take selfies and ask that very same question in the caption). People make mistakes. You have to be open and forgiving enough to let them move freely. Love more. Don't cathect.
Another reason why opening up to only one person spells trouble is this. You will treat your social interactions with them as if it's a privilege. As if because you are the only YOU in the universe, they should be HONORED to finally have time with YOU! Hey, news flash. We are all the only "US" in the universe. Humble yourself. It is not a privilege to hang out, go on a date, share a meal, or have a conversation with another human being. You breathe the same air like everybody else. You are made of the same star dust like the rest of us. Have a seat, open your heart, and just start moving in love. Leave the cathecting behind in January. Don't bring it to February or any other part of 2015.
Watch how your life will change for the better overnight.