MY ONE ISSUE WITH COURTSHIP: GUILT-TRIPPING.
2 Timothy 1:7: For God did not give you a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind.
So I've read a few books and numerous articles on the principles of courtship. I have applied those principles to my own life. I've discussed them with dozens of friends. And I'm ready to let you know that I've reached a verdict: Courtship is sold as an idea that guilts or shames impressionable young people into lives of celibacy. I am not against celibacy at all. I am, however, completely against shaming or guilting someone into making very personal decisions about their life. And this is my one issue with courtship.
God gave us spirits of love, power and sound minds, and not spirits of fear. If we are avoiding something out of irrational fear, well, we really aren't using our God given tool [our very big brain] to maximum efficiency. We have to use our very sound minds that are 100% capable of reasoning our way into healthy solutions for our lives.
So, what is courtship anyway? To those unfamiliar with the term, courtship is the Christian Godly way to get to know a potential spouse and their families. Both partners announce from the beginning that they intend to marry. Both partners uphold their purity and they honor their commitment to God, first and foremost. They reserve their hearts, their bodies, and their commitment to love each other for life, until they are married. God is supposed to reveal if marriage is right for them as a couple. Complete trust is in God's timing and not the partners' own selfish desires. I support courtship rather than dating because its foundation is grounded in something solid. It is designed to prove the test of time. Here's a description I found online about the differences between dating and courtship:
In dating, both parties understand that while marriage may be possible in the future, neither person is seriously considering it at the moment. As a result, immediate pleasure is the whole purpose for dating, even for Christians who draw the line at sexual immorality. Courting has a long-term end in view. There are no casual "tryouts" in courtship, and it is reserved only for couples spiritually and emotionally ready for marriage.
Now that we are on the same page about the definition of courtship and its principles that are grounded in longevity, I want to talk about the guilt-tripping reasons that some Christian authors give for why courtship is the better deal.
Ideally, courtship is the solution to all the "problems" (debatable word choice here), that dating brings upon a person. Dr. Don Raunikar, psychotherapist and author of Choosing God's Best: Wisdom for Lifelong Romance, names problems like, "broken hearts, illegitimate children, abortions, sexually transmitted diseases, and feelings of guilt or shame that can last a lifetime", in the introduction of his book, on why we should be choosing courtship. In Every Young Woman's Battle: Guarding Your Mind, Heart and Body in a Sex Saturated World", author Shannon Ethridge talks about the shame a woman feels after having sex out of the bounds of a relationship, due to the belief that "her body wasn't enough to keep him interested".
I want to be clear. A "problem" is not a death sentence. There is nothing final or insurmountable about a problem. Problems will always arise in life whether you follow a Godly path, a Satanic one, or an anarchist one. Problems, when coupled with a sound mind, are solved:
Broken heart? Fixable, if you want it badly enough.
Illegitimate children? As long as you don't make them feel bastardized or unwanted, whatever, mistakes happen. Love them babies, anyway!
Abortions? I mean, if this author is anti-illegitimate children then IDK why this is up for debate but either way, each person deals with this issue as they see fit. It is almost always a learning experience for them... And plus the Morning After Pill exists which prevents pregnancy from occuring in the first place, making abortion unnecessary. Yay, science!
STDs? Antibiotics (unless... you know... but still, not a death sentence in 2015 in America!).
Feeling guilt, shame, or inadequate? Well, that is the point of this post, so stick around for some of my solutions for that!
Shielding humans against problems that come up in dating, while it is a loving gesture, is not a very wise thing to do. Suppose people aren't Christian but they too want successful courting tips? Suppose all the rules for courting are followed yet a marriage is still full of seemingly irreconcilable "problems" stemming from places of guilt, shame, remorse, regret, humiliation, etc.? I believe Christian authors have a responsibility to teach practical solutions for everybody, if they have solutions that work! Practical solutions! Not avoidance! I do not think they should leave any of God's creations out just because they choose to not walk the Christian path. Mark 12:31: "Love your neighbor as yourself", or nah? What if you're acceptance and open-mindedness brings others to find God's grace, too? I know that this acceptance from others helped me find my way to Christ, so...... moving along.
I came across a really inspiring and therapeutic post on Instagram. The part that stood out to me the most was this: "Love coming out of me makes me happy, and its not important if you reject me because I don't reject myself". TALK ABOUT A HOLY GRAIL OF INSPIRATION FOR FACING FEELINGS OF REJECTION, HUMILIATION OR ANY SORT OF THE LIKES!
So, these problems that authors address aren't really that big of a deal, in the grand scheme of things, when you trust that God has given you 1) a sound mind to face your problems, 2) the power to actually solve them, and 3) the love that gives you the strength to forgive yourself and others for past mistakes that might've led to moments of shame, guilt, or regret. If you are trusting these God given gifts while you are pursuing courtship, I applaud you for placing a commitment to spiritual growth at the center of your journey to marriage.
Now, I have to warn you that this post is going to get hella lengthy so if you want to exit now, feel free. But, if you want to stick around, grab your kettlecorn and a notepad and stay with me for the next 10 minutes :) Or, if you're like me and you spend way too much time on your phone while on the toilet, then I'll gladly be the reason why you can't leave the bathroom just yet!
INTERMISSION -cracks knuckles-
Ethridge's quote about humiliation and the body not being enough to keep a guy interested was TOTALLY relatable for me. While deeply pondering the relief of not feeling humiliated after sharing my body with someone, the line about "not rejecting myself" resurfaced in my head. Self-forgiveness is of the utmost importance to me! And self-forgiveness cannot co-exist with feeling humiliated. It just can't. Once I questioned and found the source of my humiliation, I felt so free! Current-me told the old-me, "You feel rejected?! Whatever, girl! God still loves you. You still love you, and your family still loves you, so get over it and move on!"
Dr. Raunikar, and the bible, warns that we are inherently weak and cannot resist temptation. My thoughts? BULLSHIT! I see this as a cop out and a very lazy explanation for human behavior and human decision making skills. If we have love for self, power to get things done, and a sound judgment to prioritize avoiding sticky situations, we will CERTAINLY see resisting temptation as nothing but a thang! The bible literally teaches us to have self-control. So I'm not buying this guilt-tripping, shame-provoking idea that we need to feel awful about ourselves for doing things that, again, are not death sentences, final, or insurmountable. Be good and holy, but don't talk yourself into self-hate if you mess up! Stumbling is okay, as long as you grow from the experience and learn from mistakes.
As fearless adults, we take risks. Hopefully, they are calculated ones where we consider all possible outcomes and consequences before diving into those risky decisions!
If you choose to act upon temptation by not walking away, well then you better have a plan B about how you'll be able to move past that guilt! You should not be harboring guilt, nor avoiding the possibility of it because , 1) that would mean you have a spirit of fear, and 2) because guilt is SO DAMAGING to self-esteem and it makes you a shitty person to be around. Do I want to hear you loathe about your guilt all day? Absolutely not. Do I want to be the person guilt-tripping everyone else because I have a guilty conscience all the time? Heck no! So please, don't ever make a decision out of a place of fear or guilt or shame! The long term consequences will be drastic not only for you, but EVERYONE around you.
I really want you all to know that I am completely against people being guilt-tripped or shamed into supposedly good, healthy decisions. I will always be opposed to it. It is sensibly healthier to perceive what you will be getting from a situation. It is nonsensically unwise to priortize a decision based on what you'll be avoiding. Always think in the positive/affirmative voice :)
Still with me? Great! Because now it gets personal ;)
I had a problem with dating throughout college years. I was in a perpetual state of, "why doesn't this guy want to be with me and make me his girlfriend?". That then turned into, "OMG! HOW WILL I EVER FIND A HUSBAND IF I CAN'T EVEN GET A BOYFRIEND?!"
-cue the panic attack button-
I'm glad that I now see boyfriends and dating of minimal importance. I get to focus on being the best me possible for whenever the time is ripe for me to be someone's wife. Because I wanted to solve this "college dating problem", I saw the godly solution of courtship as the golden ticket to relationship success. God had answered my prayers! "Awesome!!!", I thought. "God put his stamp of approval on this with clear guidelines and no room for error! Okay, God! I am on your side! Tell me all the rules and benefits! What I am ultimately losing and gaining in the end. I am taking notes!" (hella dramatic, I know).
So, the more I researched this concept, the more I realized something. These authors stressed marriage being the solution to the frustrating, and oftentimes uncomfortably awkward, world of dating. Well, that was a nice thought, but how would that help me solve other issues I had had while dating? I dug even deeper into the reasons for why people chose to go forth with courtship. More power to all of the faithful supporters! But, I felt that authors and supporters saw marriage as the solution to all our humanly problems.
MORE BULLSHIT! No other person will ever solve your own internal issues. Only you can do that. And that was another issue I had with the concept of courtship. Marriage was marketed as a way to not deal with our own issues, but to then mount our issues onto someone else, and make them responsible for fixing us? COME ON!!! HOW MUCH MORE LAZY, IRRATIONAL, AND INCOMPETENT CAN YOU BE? USE YOUR BRAIN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE TO REASON YOUR WAY INTO SOLUTIONS!! (This was me yellingly loudly, in my head, at my computer screen). The more I thought about how much of a benefit someone else fixing me would be, the less I could escape the reality that if I expected that from a husband, I better get used to him expecting that from me, too. And that is exactly what I don't want a relationship of any kind to be like. I ain't raising no grown ass man!
Responsibility and accountability are central to my beliefs. I learned these while dabbling in Buddhist philosophy during my college years. By all means, I encourage you to go to your Creator to help you get over your past. But, you were made in his image, with a spirit of love, power and a sound mind, so umm... you better put in twice the amount of work that you want God to, if you expect to see some actual results in this here lifetime. Nothing against my beloved God, but we all know that his timing can be a bit slow in revealing things we are painfully trying to understand about ourselves. If you are traumatized about your past, only you can dig deep and give yourself solutions to get past feeling perpetually victimized. If you couldn't overcome that by yourself, how is someone else supposed to make you do it? Be completely honest with yourself always, because it is the only way you will access your inner peace, inner joy, and spiritual truths.
-whispers responsibility and accountability into your ear again-
I am all for growing together with a beloved spouse. But, raising him as if he was my child when he is supposed to be my very adult man? Count me out. We have innumerable resources and freedoms, as adults, to fix our own problems. I encourage you to use your brain. Figure something out on your own and don't give up until you find solutions that work for you! I would want my spouse to be whole (or at least committed to fulfilling his own wholeness) before we try to raise kids together, share finances, put in daily efforts to love eachother, and/or actively seek to fix our own selves without blaming the other for how crummy we feel. Accountability, remember? :)
If you feel guilty about sex outside of marriage, you might still feel guilty about sex within marriage if you aren't being honest with yourself about the root of that guilt. The same thing with feelings like regret, humiliation, or shame. No one should view marriage as an escape from dealing with their own internal issues. Marriage should be the place where you flourish and grow in spiritual ways that has never been accessible to you. I think marriages are Godly sacred covenants and should be respected as such. But if courtship is your excuse for not wanting to face your own problems and forcing someone else to handle all that baggage once you exchange vows, then prepare yourself for an unfulfilled life and even shittier relationships.
I do support courtship in that it encourages both partners to consider how each would be as spouses in the long run. Focusing on long term commitments is, in my opinion, more honorable than just going on a few dates so that you can get laid and then be on to the next sexual conquest. Looking at the long term outcome fosters an environment where partners can always be their natural selves, without putting on a show of inauthenticity. When being yourself, there's no incentive to try to trap someone into unfair situations because you know that you yourself would never want them to do that to you.
Courtship places friendship and honest observation at the center of the bond. Motives for wanting to try to make it work are clear from the beginning, and there's no need to second guess where you want the relationship to go, or where the relationship is going. You know damn well y'all are planning on getting married! The fact of the matter is," is it you, as you are, who God wants to be in my life forever? The real you, not the potential you." Only time will tell.
From all my research, this is what I learned and felt so compelled to share with my readers. It is important to put a very real effort into considering someone to be your spouse by spending time with each others families as much as you spend time alone as a couple. But it is equally important to do research on concepts that you want to apply to your life and courtship experience. Do not accept a life path at face value just because it sounds like a beneficial solution to all your problems that you were too scared to face on your own. Think critically about why you choose to follow the rules of a set way of life, and always question your motives for following those rules if they are rooted in you having an excuse to not deal with your own shit.
If you're not happy with yourself while single, chances are you'll be even more unhappy with a partner, and significantly unhappier with a spouse in marriage! Don't be that immature, bitter, beautiful person that gets married and then ruins it in divorce because you were too lazy to deal with your own internal issues when you were single. Just don't be that person. We already have enough of those.
Love, Jenn.